


Dear Santa, I don't want to go back.

by synoa



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Children, Diary/Journal, Fluff, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kid Clint, Kid Fic, Misuse of Elvish alphabet, Protective Phil Coulson, Teenager Phil, The Hobbit References, but there aren't any details
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-07 00:19:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5436203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/synoa/pseuds/synoa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phillip has wanted a brother for the longest time. His parents are adopting a young boy so he will finally get to be an awesome big brother and just in time for Christmas. Except things are never that easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Santa, I don't want to go back.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt: "Kid AU: Phil Coulson is 13 and thinks he's too old for childish Christmas celebrations, but when his parents foster a young boy named Clint, he starts to change his mind."  
> This is my second entry for Feelstide 2015 and I encourage you to go read all the entries.  
> The story is unbetaed because I fail at deadlines. Feel free to point out any error I have missed.  
> I'd like to wish you all a merry Christmas and an amazing 2016.

November 28th

Dear Diary,

Today was finally the day! My parents went to the orphanage to take Clinton home. My Mum and Dad had already met him some times but today they were going to bring him home so I'd finally meet him. I was so excited. He is 7 and I've been thinking of all the things I could teach him for weeks. I will take my duties as an older brother seriously.

Anyway Clinton, who prefers to be called Clint, got home at around five, we took him for a tour around the house while my Mum cooked dinner. He is very skinny and very blond.

Dinner was the first real problem, Clint doesn't speak unless somebody is speaking to him and even then he only answers with yes or no answers if he can get away with it. He didn't seem happy to be there at all. Well, to be honest, he didn't seem anything. You know how bad I am at reading faces, but with Clint there didn't seem to be anything to read. I don't even know if this makes sense...

I kept asking myself what Captain America would do. The only thing I could think about was making him feel comfortable and part of the family, so when we were going to bed I told him “Good night, little brother.” Clint turned around and for the first time he had an expression on his face. He glared at me and bit out “I already have a brother.” and went into his room.

I don't know what to do.

Love

Phillip

  


December 1st

Dear Diary,

today I may have done some progress with Clint. Well, I must give credit to my Mum, because today she hung our Advent Calendars. I used to have an old one that she made me for my first Christmas but she made two new ones this year, one for me and one for Clint so that we had the same thing. One of them is green and the other is red and the numbered pockets are decorated with presents, Santas and reindeer.

I started to eat my cereal and waited for Clint because I wanted him to choose which calendar he wanted for himself. Mum was making toast for both of us. Clint entered and we both said “Good morning” and he looked at the calendars like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. He was staying at the door kind of frozen and I went near him and asked him if he had ever had an advent calendar before. He shook his head so I explained how it works. That you get a candy every morning, from the pocket with the right number. 

Then I asked him which calendar he wanted and he slowly went to the red one. He still looked kind of incredulous but he reached for the first pocket. He looked at the chocolate in his hand like it was a small treasure. It made me a little bit sad, that a milk chocolate would be a treasure. I ate mine and Clint put his in the trousers pocket. I think it was the first time I saw him smile.

After breakfast Mum told him to eat his chocolate before it melted inside his pocket. Clint blushed but ended up eating the chocolate. We all noticed that Clint puts food in his pockets during breakfast and dinner. When I asked my Mum she said it was because sometimes Clint was very hungry and even if he isn't anymore he still remembers the feeling and so he wants to be prepared. She also said not to bring it up with him, that with time he will stop on his own. I wish I knew how act around Clint, but this morning we made him smile and I think that's a good start. This evening he was looking at me while I was reading my new comic so I explained about Cap. I offered to lend him some but he said no. He didn't seem angry, just a little bit sad and resigned. 

I honestly don't know what I said this time...

Love

Phillip

  


December 5th

Dear Diary,

today after school we made gingerbread cookies!

I was not excited at the beginning. I know I had fun with it in the past but at 13 I think I'm getting to big for all the Christmas activities. I don't really care about decorating the tree or making the nativity scene. I still like the chocolate and I will love the presents, but that about covers it.

Mum and Clint had already made the cookie dough and refrigerated it so when I got home we rolled it out and started making cookies. We started with stars and circles to decorate as ornaments and then, with what we had left we made people. Both mine and Clint were kind of wonky, but it was nice. We also tried to make some reindeer but it was a disaster. 

Clint was much more talented with a piping bag than me. We both had blobs of icing in the middle of our lines, but Clint was much better at having the lines go where he wanted them. We both got dirty and Dad came home to the kitchen dirty and the three of us laughing and saying nonsense. 

Clint got serious as soon as he heard the door of the kitchen open, he looked scared. That made all of us sober up but in the end Mum just sent us to get cleaned while she sorted out the kitchen and Dad started dinner. I think Clint thought Dad was going to get angry about the mess, even if it was not that bad, and my Dad gets angry so rarely. It will probably take time, like Mum said.

Dinner was ok however, and Clint didn't looked scared anymore even if he went back to talking only if asked about something. 

He looked so different this afternoon.

Love

Phillip

  


December 12th

Dear Diary,

yesterday I learned that Clint can't read very well. I overheard my Mum telling my Dad she thinks he might have dyslexia and if I remember right it means that you have problems with making out the letters in a word, that they get all mixed together.

So last night before falling asleep I thought that maybe I could read something to him, maybe The Hobbit, since I've been thinking about reading it again for some time.

Today, before dinner, I got the book and asked Clint if he wanted to hear a story about an adventure. He said yes so we sat on the sofa and I started reading. We both had a good time. In the version I have there are illustrations from old editions (some even in other languages) so we stopped every couple of pages to look at them and compare the different styles.

Mum came to tell us dinner was ready but she stopped and watched us from the door for a minute before calling us.

She smiled at me and I think I've made her proud, at least a little bit.

Clint thanked me and asked if we can continue tomorrow. When he forgets to be shy and scared you can tell how full of life Clint is.

Love

Phillip

  


December 15th

Dear Diary,

this weekend, between yesterday and today, we decorated the tree, hung the lights outside, and made the nativity scene. Remember when I told you I was getting too old for this things? I was wrong.

To be honest, I think a lot of the fun I had was due to Clint. He was looking at the lights and ornaments as if they were something magical that may break if you looked at it too strong. It was a different kind of scared from his usual one, like he needed to be careful, not like something bad was about to happen.

He said he had never done this before, and at first I didn't want to believe him but then I thought about the other things I already know and about how different his life has been. 

We made the tree Saturday morning and there were a lot of handmade ornaments, but none of them were made by Clint, so we decided we are going to make ornaments to hung on the windows with Clint in the next days. In the meantime Mum and Dad told funny stories about the ones we had. They mocked me about the Cap themed ornaments and I tried not to get offended. I have made them with Mum, so it's not like she can really complain too much.

After lunch we went outside and directed Dad on the ladder while he hung lights. Then there was a snowball fight and me and Clint won, mostly thanks to his aim. He made a couple of incredible shots hitting Dad just while a tiny part of him was visible.

Then hot chocolate with marshmallows. And I read a bit of The Hobbit while we warmed up. I haven't read to my parents in years, I think.

Making the Nativity was not as exciting, but it was still fun.

Love

Phillip

  


December 17th

Dear Diary,

tonight I went downstairs to get a glass of water after I went to bed and I found Mum with a lone tear down the cheek and a piece of paper in hand. I was honestly scared something bad had happened.

When she saw me she smiled and told me to go sit with her. She hugged me and handed me the paper, it was Clint's letter to Santa. His handwriting is wobbly and there were spelling mistakes but my Mum was crying about what he had written.

_Dear Santa,_

_I know you don't really exist but Mrs. Coulson told me I should write you._

_The only thing I want for Christmas is to stay with the Coulson. I didn't think I could have a Mum and a Dad like them, so please, can I keep them?_

_I don't want to go back._

_Please_

_Clinton Barton_

I hugged my Mum, and after a while we both went to bed.

Whenever I think about the life Clint had before coming to live with us I want to shield him from the world. I know I have always wanted to do good and help people, but with Clint it's stronger. It's like in the Captain America comic were the Nazis get Bucky and you can really see how much Cap cares about him. Cap will always want to save everyone, but he wants to save him so much more. 

Somehow, even if he has been with us less than a month, Clint makes me feel like that.

Love

Phillip

  


December 20th

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I had Martha come home after school to finish our Geography group project. She likes reading as much as me and we both did our work so I felt lucky. And the presentation today went well. But during lunch break I overheard her talking to the harpies she calls friends about Clint saying he doesn't speak and keeps to himself like a little savage and how weird we are for wanting to give something to a boy like that.

I wanted to slap her, but violence is never an answer and should only be used in extreme cases so I just went to their table and told her, as calmly as I could, that she shouldn't speak about what she doesn't know.

That wasn't satisfying at all so I spent most of the afternoon angry and I came home still with her words ringing in my hears. Clint and Mum were in the kitchen and I tried to smile and greet them normally but I didn't manage very well. Clint looked scared and fled the room as soon as he had an open route and that kind of deflated my anger. I told my Mum what had happened and she said I did good, even if I shouldn't have let Martha's words get to me that much. I asked what I should do to avoid that and she told me to remember what is important and then left me with tea and went in search of Clint. I don't really understand what she meant, Clint is the important thing but thinking about him made me remember what she said and that made me more angry. Maybe I should have tried to think about Clint happy, while we are reading or playing or something. I don't know.

I think I really scared Clint because he didn't want to read The Hobbit before dinner, so I tried drawing him something from the book to say sorry. But let's be honest, I can't draw. But Clint has a strange fascination with elves so I tried making an elvish alphabet. When I realized that if Clint has dyslexia this probably isn't the best gift I felt like an idiot...

After dinner I still gave him the alphabet and a paper that read, in Elvish and English

_Sorry I scared you, I wasn't angry with you._

He thanked me and went to his room so I didn't see his reaction when he opened it. I hope I haven't made things worse.

Love

Phillip

  


December 21st

Dear Diary,

This morning I found a small paper with a couple of sentences in Elvish under my door. It was cut in a weird shape but the paper was clean and without corrections. I wonder how many times Clint copied it.

The message read

_I believe you, I know I am messed up. Thank you for the present._

I tried to ignore the “I am messed up” and think about the important things, but it still made me a little bit sad.

At breakfast I asked if we could build a blanket fort and so we spent our Saturday afternoon in the fort reading The Hobbit, eating chocolate and writing messages in Elvish. We both made so many mistakes that Clint's spelling problems weren't that evident. It was fun.

Love

Phillip

  


December 24th

Dear Diary,

Christmas Eve was just between us and Grandma on Mum's side and it was nice. I love Grandma and Clint liked her. We ate too much and it was generally a fine evening.

Tomorrow we are visiting Dad's side of the family and while I love the Grandparents and Dad's sister, I don't really like most of the other adults and my cousins consider me weird and a nerd because I read too much and I love Cap. So I already told Clint that I'll stay with him and hopefully we will survive the day.

And now the presents: I got The Lord of the Rings, which we already have but it's a very old and almost destroyed copy because Dad read it too many times, and the Captain America board game. I still haven't read the rules, I'll explain as soon as I understand them. Clint got LEGOs and a miniature bow with suctions cup arrows and he managed to hit the center of the provided target most of the time. He really has a great aim, it wasn't just with the snowballs. Mum got a new pair of earrings and Dad got a blue sweater.

I really don't want to go tomorrow...

Love

Phillip

  


December 25th

Dear Diary,

we survived. Hurt and tired but we survived.

Love

Phillip

  


December 29th

Dear Diary,

Last night I couldn't fall asleep and I heard Clint crying in the room next to mine so I went to see what was going on. He was having a nightmare and calling for his Mum and Barney and I woke him up. He looked so young with the big scared eyes and the tears down his face. I wanted to hug him but he doesn't always react well to physical contact so I just sat on the bed and asked if he wanted to talk. When he shook his head I asked if he just wanted company and he said yes so I went under the cover with him. We ended up touching a little bit, his single bed doesn't fit both of us, but it was nice. We started talking very quietly about the best moments during this Christmas break and then moved on to best memories, so I discovered that Clint's Mum's name was Edith and she used to sing lullabies and that Barney is his brother and is 11. I didn't ask where he is now.

Clint fell asleep before me and I extricated myself and went to my own bed.

I was so busy getting angry about the bad parts of Clint's life so far that it didn't occur to me that some parts were good. That he might miss some things. I should have realized before.

Love

Phillip

  


January 1st

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year!!!

Yesterday morning Dad said we should write cards to each other with New Year's wishes so the four of us spent the morning decorating cards and then we secretly wrote a sentiment. I was not really original with my parents but I tried to make an effort on Clint's. I ended up writing 

_To a new year filled with people who care about you._

using the elvish alphabet.

After dinner we played Cap's game waiting for midnight and then watched the fireworks. We went back inside and exchanged the cards. On mine Clint had written in Elvish

_Happy New Year to a nice friend and a good brother._

I think this will be an awesome year.

Love

Phillip

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment and come hang out on [tumblr](http://synoaponga.tumblr.com/)!


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